I Am Titanium

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I started working at a bar recently and I’ve been meeting so many interesting people. Interesting is not my nice way of saying strange or weird either. I just mean there are so many different personalities, perspectives, and walks of life that I wouldn’t usually get to meet otherwise.

The other night, two customers came up to the bar and asked about my tattoo. This is a pretty common question that I usually give a direct answer to with no explanation.

It says, “I am titanium”.

In most instances, the conversation ends there. On occasion, people ask who sings it or they’ll tell me they know it. That’s where it ends.

Tonight was different. This time, they wanted to know who sang it, what it was about, and why I liked it.

I didn’t mind answering their questions at all. They knew was Sia (the girl who swings from chandeliers, but that was about it). So I started to explain…

 

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There’s No Turning Back

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I was always a girl with a plan.

In high school, I knew what I wanted to do in college. I wanted to major in social work, minor in sociology, get an on-campus job, and be a resident assistant. I did all that with great success.

In college, I knew I needed good grades, multiple internship experiences, and work part time. I was making myself marketable and so I could get a great job right out of college.  There was no time for drinking or partying.

Shortly after graduating, I applied to the state of Connecticut’s Child Protective Services (Department of Children and Families) and I got the job.

At DCF, I wanted to stand out so I could move up without issues. I participated in outside events, was the chair of the activities committee, volunteered at the Dad’s Matter Too Walks, made genuine connections with my co-workers, and moved from social worker to investigator rather quickly.

Then there was no next step. I reached my goals. I was sitting in the office that I could potentially sit in for the next 40 years. I was in my early 20’s and about to ride this career out for the rest of my life.

I would have consistent raises, benefits, vacation time, sick time, personal time, 401k, and everything I needed. I was supposed to feel happy, accomplished, and secure. What I actually felt was worried.

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There Is No Wrong Decision

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In college I had a professor who was also the supervisor at my internship. Once she got to know me, she realized I overthink everything. I struggle with every decision I make.  I have to make a pros and cons list and argue both sides 5 times. I always think there is a better way to do something. I go over all the “what ifs” I can think of. I want critics and outside perspectives.

She was nothing like me. She was very calm and honestly, she probably got tired of my craziness. Every time I would start debating things, she would tell me, “There is no wrong decision. You make a decision and you make it right.”

Okay lady (major eye roll). For your information, it is worth it to write lists, over analyze, and drive yourself crazy because there actually are wrong decisions.

I never actually said that to her because she was my teacher and boss, but that’s what I thought the first 6 times she said it…..

And she kept saying it until I started to think (or maybe overthink) about it.

Now that a few years have gone by and I’ve changed as a person (kind of), I realized she was right.

There is no such thing as a wrong decision. When you have two options, you go with your gut. There is a reason you want to pick one over the other. Once a decision has been made, it’s done. There is no turning back. The only thing left to do is stick with your choice and ride it out.

Every choice I have made (whether I consider it good or bad) has brought me to where I am right now, which I believe is where I’m suppose to be.

So maybe if I debated a little more about some of my life choices, I would have came up with a better solution. Maybe I would have done things differently and could have avoided some heartbreaks and disappointment. But honestly, those things made me a better person. I had to experience some bad times to make me stronger and know myself better.

There is nothing wrong with making a decision or going for the things you want. You might not get the result you pictured, but you’ll get where you’re supposed to be..and that’s comforting to me.

Learn To Give Your Best

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You’ve proven yourself time and time again, but this is still new to me and old habits die hard.

I’m the first to jump to conclusions. I can convince myself of almost anything and I’ll always take the first opportunity to run. It’s nothing against you. It’s just who I’ve become.

I associate commitment with a loss of independence and my heart naturally longs for freedom.

Deep down I know relationships don’t have to be suffocating. I’m just biased because it’s all I’ve known.

But I think you can change my mind. You never ask too much of me. You care without expectation. I appreciate that about you. So I’ll try to be a better me because you’re always giving the best of you.

Learning To Trust Myself

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Everybody wants to be liked. It’s human nature. I tried for many years to create what I thought was the best version of myself according to society’s standards. This included maintaining honors in school, not partying/being trashy, having a boyfriend that I could marry after college, and obtaining a respectable job with a good income.

I accomplished all of the things I set out to do. I knew I looked good to the outsiders. My family was proud of me. People commented on how well I did for myself.

I’m not saying these are bad goals, but they weren’t purely mine. I based them on what I thought people wanted out of me.

I spent a lot of time becoming the person I thought I should be rather than who I was meant to be.

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