There’s No Turning Back

1c4df4c232611226a8a84f2b8642067f.jpg

I was always a girl with a plan.

In high school, I knew what I wanted to do in college. I wanted to major in social work, minor in sociology, get an on-campus job, and be a resident assistant. I did all that with great success.

In college, I knew I needed good grades, multiple internship experiences, and work part time. I was making myself marketable and so I could get a great job right out of college.  There was no time for drinking or partying.

Shortly after graduating, I applied to the state of Connecticut’s Child Protective Services (Department of Children and Families) and I got the job.

At DCF, I wanted to stand out so I could move up without issues. I participated in outside events, was the chair of the activities committee, volunteered at the Dad’s Matter Too Walks, made genuine connections with my co-workers, and moved from social worker to investigator rather quickly.

Then there was no next step. I reached my goals. I was sitting in the office that I could potentially sit in for the next 40 years. I was in my early 20’s and about to ride this career out for the rest of my life.

I would have consistent raises, benefits, vacation time, sick time, personal time, 401k, and everything I needed. I was supposed to feel happy, accomplished, and secure. What I actually felt was worried.

Continue reading

There Is No Wrong Decision

6268864aaa0142b1df333067747646ad.jpg

In college I had a professor who was also the supervisor at my internship. Once she got to know me, she realized I overthink everything. I struggle with every decision I make.  I have to make a pros and cons list and argue both sides 5 times. I always think there is a better way to do something. I go over all the “what ifs” I can think of. I want critics and outside perspectives.

She was nothing like me. She was very calm and honestly, she probably got tired of my craziness. Every time I would start debating things, she would tell me, “There is no wrong decision. You make a decision and you make it right.”

Okay lady (major eye roll). For your information, it is worth it to write lists, over analyze, and drive yourself crazy because there actually are wrong decisions.

I never actually said that to her because she was my teacher and boss, but that’s what I thought the first 6 times she said it…..

And she kept saying it until I started to think (or maybe overthink) about it.

Now that a few years have gone by and I’ve changed as a person (kind of), I realized she was right.

There is no such thing as a wrong decision. When you have two options, you go with your gut. There is a reason you want to pick one over the other. Once a decision has been made, it’s done. There is no turning back. The only thing left to do is stick with your choice and ride it out.

Every choice I have made (whether I consider it good or bad) has brought me to where I am right now, which I believe is where I’m suppose to be.

So maybe if I debated a little more about some of my life choices, I would have came up with a better solution. Maybe I would have done things differently and could have avoided some heartbreaks and disappointment. But honestly, those things made me a better person. I had to experience some bad times to make me stronger and know myself better.

There is nothing wrong with making a decision or going for the things you want. You might not get the result you pictured, but you’ll get where you’re supposed to be..and that’s comforting to me.

A Promise To Myself

d59a6688ccb5a6379bf165f658bed3eb.jpg

 

I’m a mess, but I haven’t always been. I’ve lost myself a little bit. I need to get back to me. I need to be on track.

So this is a promise letter to myself. These are the things I will do to feel in control again.

1. I will make time for myself. I used to love alone time. I’m not sure what changed these past several months, but I’ve put my self-care to the side. I will bring it back.

2. I will challenge myself. I took a lot of risks in 2017. I quit my job, went on an adventure, moved across the country, and many other things. Everything became so overwhelming and I felt discouraged. I will no longer allow myself to feel defeated. I will get up and keep challenging myself. My break is over.

3. I will forgive myself. I have been so hard on myself this past year. I keep looking back and analyzing everything. I always think of that I could have done better, how I could have been better, accomplished more, and so on. The truth is, I have done a damn good job at taking risks and putting myself out there. I need to be proud of what I have accomplished,  not what I could have.

4. I will do the things I want to. I will stop finding excuses. I will stop being lazy. I will stop revolving my schedule around other people in my life. I said I was moving to California to have fun, find adventure, and find myself. I can’t let myself down.

5. I will stop worrying about what other people think of me. This is the hardest one for me to admit, but I have to be honest with myself. I don’t know when I turned into the girl that worries about other people’s opinions, but I have and I don’t like it. Maybe it’s because I lost myself. It’s easy to be confident when you have a “great” relationship, great grades in college, and an amazing job right when you graduate. It’s easy to be proud of yourself when money is not an issue, you can shop whenever you want, travel, and you’re living a stable life. But what about when all that is gone?  I’ve lost my confidence, but I will get it back.

2017 has been a whirlwind. I have felt sad, happy, anxious, lost, excited, scared, confused, and 100 other emotions. 2017 brought me to where I need to be. I will be a better me in 2018. I promise myself.

Who Should You Keep?

freedom-friends-girls-nature-Favim.com-180932.jpg

 

It’s human nature to want to be loved. We need friends to reassure us that we belong. But  as time goes on, the importance of quantity diminishes and quality rises . My smaller, solid group of loyal and supportive friends has brought me more happiness than being popular ever has.

Although it may sound harsh, getting rid of friends is necessary at times. I want to invest myself in people that genuinely care, love, and support. Not people that come around when it is convenient or serves them.

I took the time to evaluate what people I want in my life and these are the people I chose for my team.

 

Continue reading

Learning To Trust Myself

birds-fashion-freedom-girl-nature-Favim.com-276973.jpg

Everybody wants to be liked. It’s human nature. I tried for many years to create what I thought was the best version of myself according to society’s standards. This included maintaining honors in school, not partying/being trashy, having a boyfriend that I could marry after college, and obtaining a respectable job with a good income.

I accomplished all of the things I set out to do. I knew I looked good to the outsiders. My family was proud of me. People commented on how well I did for myself.

I’m not saying these are bad goals, but they weren’t purely mine. I based them on what I thought people wanted out of me.

I spent a lot of time becoming the person I thought I should be rather than who I was meant to be.

Continue reading