The Sabotage Queen



I have come to the realization that I can give good advice when it comes to relationships, but I refuse to follow it in my own life.

I know what I should be doing and then I consciously do the opposite. I purposely don’t answer phone calls, refuse to send text messages first, and God forbid I let anyone meet my friends or family. I keep everyone at a safe distance.

So what do I do when I meet someone I genuinely like, but bad habits start taking over?

For the first time, in a long time, I met someone that I felt instantly comfortable with. So comfortable that I forgot to put my walls up and I blindly ran straight into my feelings.

Inevitably though, my blissful blindfold came off and my mind could think again. All my bad habits came rushing in.

So I sit here on my bed asking myself, what am I doing? I start to remind myself how much better it is when I don’t care. Being detached means things don’t get messy and no one gets hurt (that’s not always true, but that’s what I like to tell myself). But how do I pull back when I’ve already let the feelings in?

I know what to do, sabotage it! I should text the guys I previously dropped for this new person. That will kill two birds with one stone. I get back the meaningless relationships I like and in return, they help occupy my time so I forget about this person.

I grab my phone and type the name of the first person I want to text….I pause.

My heart knows I don’t want to do this. It also knows I could potentially hurt the person I care about by playing games.

My mind is persistent and tells me this is for the better. I should take matters into my own hands, screw it up, and keep my emotions out of the picture.

Which one wins?

When the connection is weak, my mind stays strong.  I can convince myself that all the bad habits are for the better. Staying at a distance keeps me safe. Up until now, my mind has been the undefeated champ. But today, there will be a new winner.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings….maybe I’ll screw it up next week. But, for tonight, I will take off my crown as the sabotage queen, put my phone away, and let the heart win.


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