Feelings of sadness come right before the anger, but only after confusion.
I can’t make up which feeling I’m feeling from one second to the next.
So many things to say, but nothing being said.
It’s a space of being lost.
So many choices, but no decisions made.
It’s a space of everything and nothing.
All at once.
I started working at a bar recently and I’ve been meeting so many interesting people. Interesting is not my nice way of saying strange or weird either. I just mean there are so many different personalities, perspectives, and walks of life that I wouldn’t usually get to meet otherwise.
The other night, two customers came up to the bar and asked about my tattoo. This is a pretty common question that I usually give a direct answer to with no explanation.
It says, “I am titanium”.
In most instances, the conversation ends there. On occasion, people ask who sings it or they’ll tell me they know it. That’s where it ends.
Tonight was different. This time, they wanted to know who sang it, what it was about, and why I liked it.
I didn’t mind answering their questions at all. They knew was Sia (the girl who swings from chandeliers, but that was about it). So I started to explain…
In my previous blog, I talked about the course of my life over the past several years and my fear of playing it too safe. Ultimately, this fear lead me to explore a new path.
A year ago, I made the harsh decision to quit my career so I could move into a house with seven other strangers and take an adventure on a reality tv show.
That was one of the craziest decisions I ever made and now I get to share that experience with you.
You can watch all the drama that unfolds when you leave me and my seven roommates stranded in a cabin at Hunter Mountain, New York.
It’s winter break like you’ve never seen it before. You can expect plenty of partying, snowboarding (not by me lol), friendships (and lack there of), laughter, crying, and drama. I wanted adventure and I certainly got it.
So check us out on February 27 at 10:30/9:30c pm on MTV.
You can also stay up to date by checking out our official instagram at Winter Break.
I was always a girl with a plan.
In high school, I knew what I wanted to do in college. I wanted to major in social work, minor in sociology, get an on-campus job, and be a resident assistant. I did all that with great success.
In college, I knew I needed good grades, multiple internship experiences, and work part time. I was making myself marketable and so I could get a great job right out of college. There was no time for drinking or partying.
Shortly after graduating, I applied to the state of Connecticut’s Child Protective Services (Department of Children and Families) and I got the job.
At DCF, I wanted to stand out so I could move up without issues. I participated in outside events, was the chair of the activities committee, volunteered at the Dad’s Matter Too Walks, made genuine connections with my co-workers, and moved from social worker to investigator rather quickly.
Then there was no next step. I reached my goals. I was sitting in the office that I could potentially sit in for the next 40 years. I was in my early 20’s and about to ride this career out for the rest of my life.
I would have consistent raises, benefits, vacation time, sick time, personal time, 401k, and everything I needed. I was supposed to feel happy, accomplished, and secure. What I actually felt was worried.
If you ever want to downsize or live life with only the essentials, move to Japan. They will teach you a thing or two about making a small space work.
When I first walked into my hotel, I thought it was tight. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it wasn’t what I was used to. I could manage with no problem.
Then I walked over to my friend’s apartment. I was visiting Japan because my uncle has a friend who was living there at the time and willing to be an amazing tour guide/friend. Her apartment was directly across the street from my hotel.
When I walked into her apartment, I was amazed. She didn’t even have a bed. Well technically she did. She had a mat that she rolls out with a thin mattress.
I always thought a bed with a necessity, apparently there is a whole country that would beg to differ.
I personally like my comfy bed, but I guess being in another country can really teach you how different living can be depending on where you grow up.
In college I had a professor who was also the supervisor at my internship. Once she got to know me, she realized I overthink everything. I struggle with every decision I make. I have to make a pros and cons list and argue both sides 5 times. I always think there is a better way to do something. I go over all the “what ifs” I can think of. I want critics and outside perspectives.
She was nothing like me. She was very calm and honestly, she probably got tired of my craziness. Every time I would start debating things, she would tell me, “There is no wrong decision. You make a decision and you make it right.”
Okay lady (major eye roll). For your information, it is worth it to write lists, over analyze, and drive yourself crazy because there actually are wrong decisions.
I never actually said that to her because she was my teacher and boss, but that’s what I thought the first 6 times she said it…..
And she kept saying it until I started to think (or maybe overthink) about it.
Now that a few years have gone by and I’ve changed as a person (kind of), I realized she was right.
There is no such thing as a wrong decision. When you have two options, you go with your gut. There is a reason you want to pick one over the other. Once a decision has been made, it’s done. There is no turning back. The only thing left to do is stick with your choice and ride it out.
Every choice I have made (whether I consider it good or bad) has brought me to where I am right now, which I believe is where I’m suppose to be.
So maybe if I debated a little more about some of my life choices, I would have came up with a better solution. Maybe I would have done things differently and could have avoided some heartbreaks and disappointment. But honestly, those things made me a better person. I had to experience some bad times to make me stronger and know myself better.
There is nothing wrong with making a decision or going for the things you want. You might not get the result you pictured, but you’ll get where you’re supposed to be..and that’s comforting to me.
I’m a mess, but I haven’t always been. I’ve lost myself a little bit. I need to get back to me. I need to be on track.
So this is a promise letter to myself. These are the things I will do to feel in control again.
1. I will make time for myself. I used to love alone time. I’m not sure what changed these past several months, but I’ve put my self-care to the side. I will bring it back.
2. I will challenge myself. I took a lot of risks in 2017. I quit my job, went on an adventure, moved across the country, and many other things. Everything became so overwhelming and I felt discouraged. I will no longer allow myself to feel defeated. I will get up and keep challenging myself. My break is over.
3. I will forgive myself. I have been so hard on myself this past year. I keep looking back and analyzing everything. I always think of that I could have done better, how I could have been better, accomplished more, and so on. The truth is, I have done a damn good job at taking risks and putting myself out there. I need to be proud of what I have accomplished, not what I could have.
4. I will do the things I want to. I will stop finding excuses. I will stop being lazy. I will stop revolving my schedule around other people in my life. I said I was moving to California to have fun, find adventure, and find myself. I can’t let myself down.
5. I will stop worrying about what other people think of me. This is the hardest one for me to admit, but I have to be honest with myself. I don’t know when I turned into the girl that worries about other people’s opinions, but I have and I don’t like it. Maybe it’s because I lost myself. It’s easy to be confident when you have a “great” relationship, great grades in college, and an amazing job right when you graduate. It’s easy to be proud of yourself when money is not an issue, you can shop whenever you want, travel, and you’re living a stable life. But what about when all that is gone? I’ve lost my confidence, but I will get it back.
2017 has been a whirlwind. I have felt sad, happy, anxious, lost, excited, scared, confused, and 100 other emotions. 2017 brought me to where I need to be. I will be a better me in 2018. I promise myself.
If I had to bet on our love, I wouldn’t put the money on us lasting a lifetime. We know our odds. They aren’t in our favor. We get credit for not letting the lack of likeliness stop us, but we both know this will always be a tough battle.
So what would I bet on then….
It’s human nature to want to be loved. We need friends to reassure us that we belong. But as time goes on, the importance of quantity diminishes and quality rises . My smaller, solid group of loyal and supportive friends has brought me more happiness than being popular ever has.
Although it may sound harsh, getting rid of friends is necessary at times. I want to invest myself in people that genuinely care, love, and support. Not people that come around when it is convenient or serves them.
I took the time to evaluate what people I want in my life and these are the people I chose for my team.
I’ll admit I can be an emotional, hot mess on my bad days. I am not indestructible. Everyone has times when life gets to them, but the key is to make sure those days are few and far between. I’ve done this by focusing on the 13 things I’ve learned that mentally strong people do.
